November 2017, I woke up from a dream thinking to myself "Is this real? No it cant be. It was just a dream." I walk over to the bathroom and just to set my ease at mind, took a test. Five minutes go by and I finally look at the test. I drop it and my body froze in shock. Is this real or am I dreaming again? From that day on, my world had changed. Doctor appointments, seeing little specks on the ultrasound grow bigger and bigger. Heart beat getting stronger and strong with a bond that grew with unconditional love. The constant throwing up, weight loss, lack of eating really scared me the first two trimesters. Is this normal? Will my little human be okay. Finally, it went away where I can feel safe and provide again! It was really hard seeing my body expand and grow. As I knew it was a good thing and healthy for the human growing inside me, I couldn't get through my head not to cry. Stretch marks appeared and I was no longer at my goal weight that I had worked so hard for. I cried and cried looking at myself in the mirror. Thinking, how can I be attractive to my partner. Will he look at me in disgust? Will people judge me? The reassurance has been amazing from my partner and my family. I catch myself in those feelings here and there but I have to realize that I am growing a beautiful life. That it will all be worth it when Hunter Douglas Grooms is in my arms! I have learned that pregnancy is such a beautiful thing! The throwing up, pains and kicks are worth every moment. The best feeling is catching yourself talking to your belly and then little kicks respond to you! You grow a bond so strong with your baby that when you think about his arrival, it gives you major butterflies. Your life as you know it changes and that is when you find true love, warmth and strength. There is no hood like Mother hood. Remember, it will be a struggle when you first start but as you diver deeper, it wont get easier but it will teach you lessons and how to make things feel easier!
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Eyes closed, hands shaking, breath as short as an Arizona wind. Mind racing with fear, dropping the phone in shock. How can this happen when I just talked to you forty-five minutes before. How can minutes pass like everything was okay, showering and getting ready to have lunch with you. How could I not see the signs. Panic raises, as I'm grabbing two phones, one to call you and another to call for help. Jumping in the car and racing to you but it felt like years before I got there. Parking and running up to the man in black with a badge. "Here sir, I am the one who called you. Here is my phone, here is the message." Panic rises as I look for you. Another man with a badge pulls my friend aside. It was a quite for a few minutes until my friend and the man in black comes back. The two men look at each other with remorse and look at me. Instantly I knew nothing was okay. One man puts a hand on my back, as if that was going to comfort me and make things better. My eyes fill with tears, as he spoke, "She did not make it." I fall to my knees and sob. I cant breath, I cant see, I feel like my heart stopped. WHY? HOW? A burst of energy came within and I start to run, I run to her. Underneath the tape until I got to an open door. It was like a nightmare, I stood there frozen. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned and cried. Moving back to my car I sit down. I had phone calls to make and I knew I had to be strong. They told me I could leave but I wouldn't. Who was going to lock the door, who was going to take care of the animals. I couldn't just walk away. As they pull the gurney, I look up and see a blue blanket. It was the last thing I could remember. Officer let me have the animals and sent me on my way. Driving back felt like it took days to get home. clenching the stirring wheel, I sob, I scream, I froze. getting home was a blur, holding onto the animals for dear life. What was I going to do? Two years later, the only thing I had of you besides you camo bag, your boots and pictures was a voice mail I had from you that day..."Hey babe, I wanted to call you and tell you that I love you so much. Call me back when you can, I love you." I remember word for word from listening to it for two years everyday. The worst part about it is my phone broke and I lost the voicemail after having it for two years. That was the only thing that helped me remember your voice. Searching over and over my iCloud and computer desperate to find it. I wont stop until I find it. I do have messages from you of a conversation we had a few months before your passing, telling me I will always be your bestfriend. I gaze into the sky and see a rainbow that represents you or I hope you danced comes on and I cry because that was one of our songs but also the song "cowgirls don't cry" puts a smirk on my face because you would drill this in my head. My love for you will never friend, your friendship will never be topped. Going onto seven years of friendship, to infinity. You are my princess and you will be in my heart forever and always.
Everyone wants to be a size zero, but people do not understand that the number on your pant size, should not define the beauty you really are. you are beautiful for who you are on the inside. Do not get me wrong, I strive on bettering my pant size and toning those curves. Do it to make yourself happy, do it to be healthy, do it for your inner self. Peoples opinions should not define how you look at yourself. If you want to shed pounds, tone up, make better health choices; you need to take that step and actually commit to your goals. People think it is easy to hit your goals, but if you don't commit to it, put down that snickers and pick up something healthy, it will be a challenge. It is 80 percent nutrition and 20 percent fitness. Now I am not saying cut everything out completely, but make a choice on what you can go with out and see yourself slowly improve. stay busy, find your inner self and you will see yourself transform into that true beauty you are and you are hitting goals you have dreamed about. Get off the couch and shine bright and show the world how beautiful and confident you are!
Can you truly say that you are happy with your partner? I have gone in and out of scenarios that have had me question my self being. Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to go through a constant fight? When can I be happy? Well ladies and gentlemen, once you become patient, your "soulmate" will come around. I can finally say that my "knight and shinning armor" has saved me. He saved my soul and showed me what true happiness and love looks like. Those instant butterflies when I see him makes me want to run and jump in his arms. The feelings I have for him are feelings I never felt before. I truly feel in my gut that we are suppose to be. We have both been through hell and back with events going on throughout our lives but the moment we met, had cleared the storm away. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship but what makes a perfect relationship is that you are willing to help each other and fight through bumpy roads. You do not give up on each other when times are rough and you uplift each other when things are not going right. I never believed in true love at first sight until I met the man of my dreams. God had blessed me with an amazing man and had answered my prayers!
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